Family Meal Deal!!!

Every once in a while, I get to spend some time alone with one or two of the kids instead of all of us altogether. In these moments, I try to "understand" my child(ren) and truly try to listen to hear what they may or may not be telling me. The other day, I had one of those days with my son.

We spent some time together and then I told him we could eat WHEREVER he chose (within financial reason). Now, if you personally know me then you know that I'm sort of a foodie!!! I love great quality food! My pallet was wonderfully made by God and it is very blessed. So imagine my face now as my son requests that we go to Kentucky Fried Chicken!!!! I swallowed my "growl face" and put on a great big smile for my lil man and told him "Ok!" This was a very difficult task for me to not show him the emotion behind the "Ok" (I will give him lessons another time on what it really means when a woman solemnly states those two syllables. lol.)

So, off we go to KFC to share a meal together and talk about whatever it is that he wants to discuss and/or just be together. We ordered our meals and then sat down in the eating area. As we began eating, the conversations was flowing about why he chose where we were, what he likes eating on their menu, and what would he like to do afterwards.

All of the sudden, our attention was drawn away from our own conversation as suddenly we were startled with yelling. "(Insert Name Here), I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE ANYMORE CHICKEN! GREAT, NOW WE HAVE SEVEN FREAKING TRAYS OF CHICKEN. WONDERFUL, ALL THIS CHICKEN AT THIS HOUR. DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP MAKING CHICKEN?"

Of course, our heads (as well as other customers') turned to the direction the abrupt yelling came from as we watched in horror as the manager yelled at one of her employees. We watched the employee stare like a deer in headlights and then he began to speak. (He spoke softly so we could not hear his words but visually we could see as he attempted to get some words out.) Suddenly again: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE ANYMORE CHICKEN. I SAID NO MORE CHICKEN. GREAT, SEVEN TRAYS OF CHICKEN. CRISPY CHICKEN. EVERYBODY LISTEN UP AND PUSH THE CRISPY CHICKEN BECAUSE (Insert Name Here) MADE TOO MUCH CRISPY CHICKEN. The manager stammers off somewhere and all the employees kind of snickered and went back to their stations. Most of the customers resumed eating as the silence returned.

My son and I began to carry on a conversation; which was now headed in a different direction. We began to speak about the scene we had just witnessed and how horrible that performance was. And then....it returned again for yet another round....SEVEN TRAYS OF CRISPY CHICKEN. IS EVERYBODY PUSHING THE CRISPY CHICKEN NOW THAT (Insert Name Here) MADE TOO MUCH CHICKEN. WHO MAKES SEVEN TRAYS OF CRISPY CHICKEN AT THIS HOUR? and again she walked around the kitchen in a circle and kept going until the young employees stopped what they were doing to listen to her humiliate and berate the other employee.

Now when I tell you she was loud (that's why the "all caps"--it's my typing yelling voice), I'm not kidding...it was completely silent and this lady was dominantly loud. She would yell. Repeat. Harp. Ridicule. Nag. Carry on and all very loudly.

Finally, some long silence ensued and the business of chitter chatter returned. One employee quickly sauntered from behind the counter to go clean up the dining area. As he stopped near our table I turned to him and asked him, "Does she always behave like that to the employees?" The employee stared at me as if the manager was going to run out and attack me. So I spoke again,  "All I'm saying is that if that were my child, I would be quite upset for him/her to be treated that way with the berating, humiliation and ridicule." The employee looks around and then replies: "Well, she's just upset because we are running out of everything tonight and she is stressed out." (What a good employee justifying his employers negative behavior and remaining faithful to her defense.) I replied, "Hmmmm....still doesn't make it right. I'm sorry for you and for all of you back there. In fact, I'm sorry we had to witness the whole episode." The uncomfortable employee again looks around and then says, "I'm sorry she behaved that way." I kinda smiled and said, "that's kind of you to apologize for someone else's behavior, but you are not responsible for her actions. I hope you all have a better night." He smiled, nodded and went back into the kitchen quickly. Within minutes I saw him pull her aside and begin whispering. She listened intently to what he was saying and then retreated to her office. She never brought up the chicken again while I was there and we were able to enjoy the rest of our meal with only the sound of our own chitter chatter.

So, why am I blogging about this nasty manager and the way she treated her employees? That lady was ugly--and I'm not talking about her physical appearance--I'm talking about the "down south way of speaking" downright mean and ugly behaving.

Later on at night I was busy about doing some housework and then the Lord nudged at me. He began pulling on my heart. He made me replay THE SEVEN TRAYS OF CHICKEN over and over and over and over and over again in my mind until my soul was even more stirred than it was when I had experienced it.  It was then I knew what I dreaded to hear from Him was coming---"You. You, Christina. You, Christina ARE that Manager. You treat my children that way. The kids that I, the Lord, gave to you to borrow, to train, to raise, to teach. You nag them. You yell at them. You harp on them. You ridicule them. You berate them. Your kids are Mine--they belong to me, the Lord of Lords, The King of Kings." I was quickly reminded of Psalms 127:3  Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

As much as I wanted to believe it wasn't so. My head hung low. My heart sank and then I began to weep. The conviction I began to feel. Then the Lord reminded me of what I had said to that employee: ""All I'm saying is that if that were my child, I would be quite upset for him/her to be treated that way with the berating, humiliation and ridicule." Ouch.

Immediately after hearing these things from within my soul, I went to my husband and began telling him all about both situations I had faced. I was no longer going to deny that I was not doing the best job with my children as unto the Lord. I began praying and I was reminded of Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. and that my job is to not stir up anger but to give soft answers unto these children. I was reminded also that in Ephesians 6:4  And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  I am not to provoke these children but to raise. love and nurture them all while teaching them that I, too, have an Authority to answer to.

I guess now I know why we had to eat KFC that day and now this is a lesson I won't soon forget. Thank you Jesus. 

I Hate "Roundabouts!"

Driving today is supposed to be much "simpler" with these "Roundabouts." You know those things....they are supposed to make our "driving experience" much safer and smoother???

In studies, they show less accidents and a more efficient flow of traffic. According to Wikipedia, "The term roundabout is reserved for circular flow intersections where entering traffic must yield to traffic already in the circle, so that traffic is calmed and flow through the intersection is maximized along with the highest safety for pedestrians and cyclists." Interestingly enough, I find them mind boggling and get anxiety every time I approach one. Instead of feeling "safe and secure" as they were supposedly designed for, I feel more overwhelmed like I am being swallowed up and about to get lost, miss my exit/entry or even overtaken. Take for example, this extreme photo of a roundabout:

WHAT I FEEL LIKE!!!!

Now, that too me is a more accurate depiction of what "roundabouts" are. They are similar to "revolving doors" that spin round and round and round and eventually you are supposed to "hop out" at your location. If you stay in the doors or on the roundabout, you continue going around and around in the same pattern/path. Well, this is how I have felt for the past 2 years as I stopped blogging. I was stuck in a "roundabout" overwhelmed with pressure to get off an exit but just kept circling around and around. A lot has happened since I was going to begin my "Journey to Break Free". (I have Broken Free and completed those lessons; however failed short at Blogging the experience. Looking back I wish I had continued because Breaking Free brought me to where I am today.) I have since gotten married and had another child. :-) Praise God for me being able to "Break Free" from the bondage that was holding me back from being able to love another as myself and partner with him til death do us part.

Since the past 2 years had so many changes such as: going from a single mom of two precious gifts to becoming a mom of 5 precious gifts!!!! (4 of which are now teenagers and 1 lil muffin face toddler); doubling the pet residency in this home and quadrupling the food intake along with the amount of  laundry loads with the addition of a husband--I got stuck on a Roundabout!!!!! That's where you would have found me had you gone looking. I was going around and around and around going nowhere but stuck circling in the same place.

I got caught up in being a mom, being a stepmom, a wife, and then a new mom again. I got caught up in laundry, dishes, breaking up arguments and creating them too. I was going to this practice and this practice. This concert and this event. I was performing all of my roles/duties in my own strength and got stuck. Sadly, I knew all along the answer was to let my God take my burdens. I knew he would direct my paths as he is a lamp unto my feet. (Proverbs 3:6 states "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  Psalm 119:105 reminds me: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.")

Many days in those years I reminded myself that He was my answer, my refuge and my saviour; however, I took "quick bites/nibbles" at those thoughts. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. Before I knew it the months turned into years and this blog was put on the back burner. My spiritual relationship with Jesus was "minimally maintained" and everything was getting half of the effort that each thing/person/animal/chore deserved.

Then one day it hit me. I HATE ROUNDABOUTS but only because I wasn't using them properly. Suddenly, my eyes were opened and I remembered how I got onto the roundabout. I entered it with God and needed to get off of it the same way. It was then I decided that I had to ask Him for directions. Immediately I was once again free from the same cycle.

When Roundabouts were first introduced, I resisted them because I wasn't familiar with how to utilize them. Now that I have a better understanding of the "flow of traffic" and the "yielding" that they entail; I no longer feel like I am suffocating. Similarly, this is like my relationship with Christ. I understand the need for the "flow of communication" to him and I understand the "yielding" that our relationship must have in order for me not to feel "swallowed up" or suffocating.

Through this journey of "roundabouts" I have a new found prayer to face each day: 

Psalms 143:10  Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

Lesson #2-Jesus died for Me?

So, the journey continues and I am well on my way. This week we focused on "Untying the Cords of the Yoke (Burden)." The texts used were: Isaiah 61:1-4, Isaiah 53:1-12, Hebrews 2:6-10

This lesson was difficult, although it touched me greatly is a sweet way, I have difficulty putting this one into my own words. When I meditate on this, all I can think of is what Jesus really did for me. He died on the cross!!! What does this mean? What did this feel like? Why would He do such a thing--really what does this look like? I'm not talking about all the pictures and paintings that are sold at "Religious Novelty Shops" or hanging in churches or scenes from a movie--but truly what does this look like and can I really understand or grasp this concept?? It is mind baffling and yet so sweet.
This lesson to me focused on "Christ being like a root out of dry ground so we could be a planting of the Lord." Jesus was "like a root out of dry ground, so I, I, Christina, could be a planting of the Lord?" Really? So according to our imaginations (which is limited by our humanness), picture a flower bulb being planted in the hard, cold ground that FORCES itself to push itself up through all the dirt and snow gradually producing a beautiful flower or plant. I guess that is what we can liken that too.

We are that bulb that is blossoming into a flower in the cold, hard ground because we are a planting of the Lord Jesus.

Release Date Announced!

Alright so here begins Lesson 1 or shall we say "Day 1" of my "not-so vacation journey!" I actually learned this all last week and began lesson 2 today BUT my friends, it is not fair for me to just blurt out what I learn immediately without meditating on it first and making it mine. So, having done that, you will actually always be a lesson behind where I am really at but to be fair to myself I must think it thru to apply it and then share what I'm thinking it all means. I want to remind you that THIS IS NOT MY STUDY. Any "educational" material is taken from Beth Moore in "Breaking Free." Only the wisecracks and my opinion about her material is mine. :-) K, if she ever decides to look into my humble blog, I want to make sure I'm not plagiarizing or stealing her hard work and credit.

(The text is from Isaiah 9:2-9, Judges 6:1-27, Judges 7:1-18)

From this lesson titled "Goals for Breaking Free" I learned that ONLY where the Spirit of the Lord is--will there be Freedom. Rephrasing that in my own terms would be that if the Spirit of the Lord is not with me or if I am outside of it, I will not experience true freedom. I also learned the God wants victory to be the rule and not the exception. This to me means that he wants defeat to be the exception and for me to be able to experience Victory after Victory after Victory in every challenge that I face. It is the enemy (devil) who wants me defeated so that I do not fulfill God's purposes; yet God, Himself, allows the devil to test me. Why would a good, loving God allow this?

I have learned that God allows me to be "oppressed" (held back, in captivity, to burden with cruel or unjust impositions or restraints) for four important reasons.
1) to test us-although we may not be ready to pass a test, He gives us "pop quizzes" to show us our unpreparedness to pass without Him and the tools He provided for us.
2) as chastisement for rebellion-when I do not walk in obedience to Him, He keeps me wandering about.
3) for lack of submitting to His authority--kind of like a parent in a way. By this I mean, when I know He is telling me to do something or not to do something and I hit the "ignore" button. Like when your kids tune into what they want to hear you say instead of what you are actually telling them! or as I refer to my kids, it is called "selective listening"--you select what you wanted to hear and PRETENDED not to hear the rest.
4) Witness warfare--which I honestly don't know exactly what that means so now I'll have to look into that more deeply and probably end up w/a whole "nother" blog post about it! YIKES!

I said earlier, why would a good, loving God allow this and I think to myself, I understand most of those reasons but how is that good? Well, He is good and he shows us His goodness and His mercy if we look deeper into how He prepared us and what tools did He provide for us to achieve the victory. At any time during my recent struggles, I knew the answers were: turn to God in prayer, read His Word and reach out to another Christian while fellowshipping or to claim His Promises. Instead, I "hit ignore." I chose none of the above. In hindsight, I murmured and complained about the church and what God wasn't doing for me. He had, ALL ALONG, given me the tools to "fix" my situation but I refused to pick them up and use them. I wanted different tools.


Are you following me on this? Basically, I had a shattered window. I foolishly tried to put the pieces back together again with a hammer, only breaking the glass more! We all know, that duct tape can fix anything so I should have picked that up to restore the window, yet I smashed it to smithereens with the wrong tool--the hammer. So, in essence, He stocks "our tool boxes" (our faith-o-meters) with the proper tools but WE are responsible for choosing the proper tools (Bible reading, prayer, claiming the Promises, etc.). My God, is so precise. He doesn't make ANY mistakes. He is all-knowing, all-powerful and even gave us a "handbook" (Bible) with ALL the answers to EVERY problem. So, to answer the question, that I posed--He is a good, loving God who has already supplied us for what we needed all along to stop the struggles/wandering but we chose to think we knew better than He and tried to fix it our way-or to not fix it at all.

His Word, spells out my rights and my heritage. His Word tells me, as an heir to His throne, (and I am His Princess for I have accepted Him to be my King (Lord & Saviour), I have an inheritance. I must learn what that is and know it! This gets me! I am the "queen of rules!" I love rules and the legal law--always have--but ONLY because I love to think outside the box and find the loopholes in them! They are a structure put in place for me to know where my boundaries begin and cease. They allow me to "constructively think" about the limitations and what "they don't say!" How can I be an "expert" on God, if I don't even know my own rights?! I would never walk into a courtroom without knowing what my rights were--how in the world can I fight these "earthly or spiritual" battles, If I don't know what my rights are either??? (Umm, I've got some serious studying to do cuz this sounds fun to me!)

Continuing on, I think of being held captive and how long can we be kept wandering or locked up? Who is in control of our "release date?" or our freedom? and how is one to "break free?" If we compare this to a jail sentence then we know that "until our time is served" or we are released on "good behavior". I believe, that God allows us to be "held captive" until we are ready to be free and we have learned what He has taught us in the barrenness. We, in fact, (as B. Moore states) hold the very keys necessary for our release!!!!

I say this to myself now after Lesson 1: "Hey, you, you've got the keys to be free, how long do you want to stay "locked up?" Then I say to myself: "Duh, I've had the keys all along and wasn't wise enough to use them!" Next time, I should try the set He supplied me with and stop trying to make my own!"

The Journey Begins: Breaking Free

So I am about to embark on a journey. No need to pack my bags; yet there are several things I believe I will be "unpacking". I am not going anywhere such as a location; yet this journey will most likely take me to the innermost parts of my heart and soul. My Friend, My Beloved, has been calling me for a long time to plan a scheduled visit--and although I've hit the "ignore" button--He just won't leave nor forsake me. I must go on this journey--despite my dragging heels and my deepest fears. I will be committed to these "travels" for 10 consecutive weeks, Lord willing. As part of my travels, I always journal while I fly. Seeing as this will be painful yet rewarding, I felt I should blog about this "trip/experience" and share with others (if anyone reads this--lol) so that I can reflect from beginning to end. Allow me to explain.

I have run. I have closed doors. I have tried to flee. But my Lord and Saviour won't let me go. He is not holding me prisoner yet He affectionately and patiently just waits for me to return. This is something I simply cannot comprehend-why He loves me so. Why He cares for me to be a part of Him and His purposes. One thing I do know for sure is that it is so and that is it. He beckons to me daily showing Himself to me; yet I, I pretend I don't recognize Him for I am fearful of His chastisement. I am ashamed that I do not deserve His love as a wretched sinner--despite being born again. I have decided to meet Him again-in the Secret Place. I have accepted His invitation (that He extended to me thru His followers) to reunite with Him. As I go to meet Him and to experience this reunion, I NEED to document the experience. Follow along, as if tucked in my suitcase with me. Cry and laugh with me as what I will experience will be deafening heartfelt and real.

I have begun a study w/some lovely ladies who love me so as if they themselves were Jesus. They forgive me and feel my pain as if they experience it themselves. We prayed about what study would be best for "where I am at in this season of my life" (see early blog posts re: seasons) and together it was decided that I needed to "Break free." What do I need to break free from? The strongholds that strongly hold me back from doing what I was created to do. The study we will be embracing is called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. (Feel free to join this journey w/me as it is available to all at any local bookstore!) Come back soon to hear about my first lesson and the valuable insight that I received from it.

Condsider the Rain--Just One Drop

As I sit on break time at work, I'm enthralled with something glistening gold and vibrantly hanging from the bush. I peer and squint to try to see if someone lost a bracelet or a ring in the bush but as I do, it moves. Hmmm...it almost looks like a lightening bug in a way--tiny and blinkety-blinking away. Even though it appears to move, it's still there--not really moving. Interesting. I see so many different colors as it goes thru the color spectrum. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue (ish), Indigo & Violet. Sometimes it stays one of those colors for what seems like a minute (in reality it must be 1-2 seconds). Mostly it stays "gold and yellowish" but the "green keeps glistening too." I am intrigued by this little tiny speck that cannot be any bigger than a bug. What is it and how does it get to be so cool? Then it starts to hit me....uh oh...it's one of those things I'm gonna have to figure out and research and over analyze just so I can understand where I am at in my life at that particular time while just sitting on the step at break time. Before I continue, I think it's only fair for me to share with the readers (lol..if there are any) that the "tiny glistening goldy-blinkety-blink speck" is a single raindrop nestled between a bush.

Now, if you know anything about me, the first thing I do is observe something. Then, I research information on the stuff I've observed. Next, I meditate on it, over analyze it and put it "in a place" of my life (Life Application). Here goes the facts about raindrops that apply to me and this life lesson.

In order to have rain you must have a cloud--a cloud is made up of water in the air (water vapor.) Along with this water are tiny particles called condensation nuclei--for instance, the little pieces of salt leftover after sea water evaporates or a particle of dust or smoke. Condensation occurs when the water vapor wraps itself around the tiny particles. Each particle (surrounded by water) becomes a tiny droplet between 0.0001 and 0.005 centimeter in diameter. (The particles range in size, therefore, the droplets range in size.) However, these droplets are too light to fall out of the sky. How will they get big enough to fall?

Picture a huge room full of tiny droplets milling around. If one droplet bumps into another droplet, the bigger droplet will "eat" the smaller droplet. This new bigger droplet will bump into other smaller droplets and become even bigger--this is called coalescence. Soon the droplet is so heavy that the cloud (or the room) can no longer hold it up and it starts falling. As it falls it eats up even more droplets. We can call the growing droplet a raindrop as soon as it reaches the size of 0.5mm in diameter or bigger. If it gets any larger than 4 millimeters, however, it will usually split into two separate drops.

The raindrop will continue falling until it reaches the ground. As it falls, sometimes a gust of wind (updraft) will force the drop back up into the cloud where it continues eating other droplets and getting bigger. When the drops finally reach the ground, the biggest drops will be the ones that bumped into and coalesced with the most droplets. The smaller drops are the ones that didn't run into as many droplets. Raindrops are different sizes for two primary reasons.

1. initial differences in particle (condensation nuclei) size
2. different rates of coalescence.
3. THIS INFORMATION WAS PROVIDED BY USGS courtesy of University of Idaho

Ok, so enough of the scientific fact as to how raindrops form and vary in size however, I find this lesson very important to "tie in" and get to the point that I feel was meant for me to understand. As you just read, "dirt/dust/salt" etc. are entrapped around these molecules and then fall and latch onto others or get to heavy and repeatedly split. I really believe that in my life, "all of the junk/drama/hard struggles" I face are the "dirt" that form my rain drops. The drops get bigger and bigger some times and fall fall fall and keep on falling. Sometimes, those drops split and form smaller drops as I dissect those problems and begin to understand how they were formed. Sometimes, I am not meant to understand how they arrived and have to accept that somethings are uncontrollable and just meant for my learning. Other times, those drops get smaller and smaller because other "junk/problems (rain drops) form off of those initial drops (problems). I definitely don't have life, problems, love or God figured out but I do know that my perspective always needs readjusting.

Some would say these things are all a coincidence, some would say they are God ordained and written for my learning. I have to choose the latter because shortly after I started this post on rain drops, unbeknown to my friend, he sent me an encouraging text that read the following:

"Consider the rain, something we have no control over that we sometimes let discourage and depress us; yet it brings growth, renewal and cleansing among other things. Just like the trials and circumstances in our life, they're not what we want, but through them God can bring growth, renewal, and cleansing. So when it rains, let it remind us that God is working all things together for good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose."

I am thankful for noticing that "tiny glistening goldy-blinkety-blink speck" to discover it was a raindrop. I am thankful that I researched "how raindrops" are formed. I am thankful that my friend decided to randomly text a bunch of his friends an "inspiring message." Yup, this is definitely all God ordained to remind us that God is still working all things together for good to them that love Him. This is confirmation to me that I am called according to His purpose. I will consider the rain and just one drop in hopes that you too would consider the rain!

Clean Up!

First, if you don't know...one of my favorite things to do is use things of this world to glorify God and turn everything into a spiritual event. Some of you will even write to me "condemning me" for using this example. Yet, you may not even know me or where I come from. You may only know the "New Me" the one who is born-again. I am a new creature, changing into His image BUT my past is what made me who I am. I am going to continuing being who HE created, in hopes to reach some. I am about to reveal things that some of you may find appalling but you haven't lived my life and you don't know what the "world" really is and what it's like out there. I am going to share some things that I have experienced that have caused me to repent--to turn from my sin and my old lifestyle---and turn towards God and become one of His forgiven children. You may not forgive me, because you are made in the image of man (Adam) but He does. The story He wrote of my life--is for learning and I'm gonna tell it in hopes that someone truly learns and changes for His Glory. Maybe someone will be led to this post and see that they too can be forgiven.

I have been in more physical fist fights than an average "girl". I have been been stabbed in the head. Blocks of welfare cheese, pork-in-the-can, and peanut butter w/a layer of oil on the top was a monthly treat for us! Walking miles to schools in another district for a safer education and walking EVERYWHERE were a part of my daily life for a LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGG time. I have been shot at on more than one or two and even three occasions. I have driven get away cars. I rolled on the streets and played dice on the corner like a thug. I have "ganked" people. (LOL--u probably have no idea what that even means--even funnier!)

If you only pay attention to what goes on "in your own world" you probably will have no clue about who or what I am talking about. So, allow me to fill you in. Rapper "T.I" (also known as Clifford Harris) has recently been convicted of possession of illegal weapons.... long story short--he did in fact do this and is not disputing it or the situation that led him to do such a thing. In his world, it's a part of everyday living. Here are some of the "world's rules": Wear the "right colors", keep your mouth shut, don't snitch, mind your business, it's all about you and yours, don't get caught and do whatcha gotta do to "get yours."

In order to get a "lighter sentence" and be a role model to others, he has made a campaign of ads against what he did and even a t.v. show called "T.I's road to redemption."Nevertheless, he has also come out w/a song with "J.T" (Justin Timberlake) called "Dead and Gone." The lyrics are filled with cussing, explain violence and choices. I will spare you the words to that but want to focus on the chorus. It goes like this:

"I turn my head to the east
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill
that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone,
the new me will be alright"

The point that I'm trying to get at is that when I first heard these lyrics I thought about a lot of parallels that this song really could represent for "The Road to Redemption." Now, put aside the fact that the rapper got busted doing something wrong and is trying to do "good" for the community so he can have a lighter sentence. And read how the lyrics could be used to reach others--those that had "gangster" lifestyles or those that grew up in the "less fortunate areas" that are taught the "worlds way of survival".

When someone gets "caught up" in the wrong crowd or is at the wrong place at the wrong time, or when they make bad decisions that affect the rest of their lives, generally they find themselves alone. All those people they hung out with, all those friends they "ran with," all those people who showed them "this way of life" bail on them as they have to serve their time or only continue to "plot" with them the next scheme to get more money or how to continue their life of crime behind bars.

So I suggest, we use this chorus to say--you turn to both sides and find yourself alone, correct? If you turn your head to the north, and swallow that pill called pride you too could find Jesus as your Savior and the "The old me (you) is dead and gone, the new me (you) will be alright." Coming to Jesus and repenting of your sins is a very difficult thing for many to do because of a thing called PRIDE! So, if one can "swallow the pill called pride" (and accept Him) then the old self will be dead and gone and the new self will be alright.

I find it very interesting that his show is called the Road to Redemption and that the lyrics of his song can point those to the REAL road to redemption. I don't know much, but I do know this: I am a new creature. Old things are passed away. All things are created new. And this includes me. Instead of running from the world, I've decided that it's time for me to run back to it with all the new things I've learned and continue to share my story as it is! I have a lot of things that if I could do over again differently I would but that's not how my story was written! I will continue daily to struggle-but I will continue to know how FORGIVEN I am and let others know how they too can be forgiven PLUS still keep making mistakes~~because after all, we will always be sinners. I want others to know that Jesus doesn't forgive us just once---he forgives us completely. I want others to know that people are unforgiving--not Him.

In My Backpack Or At The Cross?

I watched a movie the other evening and I couldn't help but continue thinking about it for days afterwards. I kept meditating on one small part of the movie, for who knows what reason; and just couldn't let it go. Without going into all of the details and plot of the movie, I'll tell you where I kept getting stuck in my thoughts.

This guy was in his early 40's and he went around doing seminars. You know the type...the Tony Robinson type sales-pitch, motivational, goal setting and achievement type of seminars. His theme was called "What's in your backpack?" and he told the audience to close their eyes and imagine having a backpack on and "fill it with all your little trinkets and knick-knacks that they've collected over the years." He then proceeded to instruct them to "keep visualizing and add to the backpack all of their clothes, personal items, and then their furniture. Back pack is getting heavy eh?" Then he says: "Now add to this backpack ANYONE you have ever had an interaction or encounter with (a smile, a hello, a handshake etc.), now add acquaintances, co-workers. Add to that the people who really matter...the relationships that matter...friends, sisters, brothers, children, spouses/partners etc., Backpack is REALLY heavy now, eh?"

Well, I hate to tell you but you never get to hear the whole speech of his seminar...this movie only touches on little facets of his life. I bet though if they did show the whole seminar pitch, he would've had said that "These are the things that we carry around all day, every day and that they wear us down." I believe he also would have said: "Get rid of as many of these things as possible by emptying your backpack and not carrying around all of the baggage that comes from these items/relationships." Now this is just a guess as to what he MAY have said (if they showed the whole scenario) and I'm basing this on the fact that he was in his early-mid 40's, no marriage (ever), no kids (ever) and no monogamous relationship. He was a "fly by the seat of your pants kind-of guy" who went and did his job wherever he was told to go and he never really stayed at home or kept in contact with his family.

Why did this intrigue me??? (Get over the fact that I watched a movie and follow me on this one as to how things of this world get us to think of a Greater God.) I kept thinking about what would my backpack feel like? I kept thinking about all the volunteer work that I'm involved in. All the roles that my life has. All the interactions on a daily basis that I have. And, oh boy, all the "stuff" I've accumulated along the way. Wow....THIS IS HEAVY! I knew that the answer was definitely NOT what this movie would have portrayed but how would I ever empty/lighten my backpack?

One by one, I wanted to "unpack" my bag. Item by item, problem by problem, relationship by relationship I would have to "remove" these things. Then it hit me. I already had the answer and just needed to be refreshed that HE is the answer. My backpack is getting lighter these days because I have been reminded to take each "thing/problem/situation/decision" and pull it out and pray to God about what to do with it. This doesn't mean I have to "throw these things/people away." It just means to lay my burdens at the feet of the cross. He will pick them up and He will decide what I need to keep and what is no good for me. I need to continue to remember that He is God and not I. I can be a vessel/tool to listen to people and assist with their needs but ONLY HE can fulfill them. Only He can have His Will done.

I feel bad for those that watched that movie and don't know my beautiful Savior! If they could have their eyes opened to see that "ending relationships or throwing things away" is not the way to have their burdens lightened BUT to lay them at the feet of the cross...one by one...and begin a new relationship w/God (or rekindle an old one) is the BEST answer.

Where shall I put the things that wear me down? I can carry them in my heavy laden backpack OR I can place them at the foot of the Cross. I'm an everlasting work in progress who doesn't have all the answers but I do have One and it's Him. Thank you sweet Jesus for this reminder!

I have not Quit, I have been Creator-Educated!

It has been ever so long since I've blogged and you will not read any excuses as to why the sabbatical; however, I will share my heart and reassure any of you that "I have not Quit!" I am still fighting the good fight. In fact, today I reminded myself that: "when life is kicking you down, don't lay there dead but instead JUMP up and kick back harder." Over the past year, many blows have knocked me down and the path that I found myself struggling thru was one I would not have personally chosen; YET it's the one that was BEST for me to learn the MOST VALUABLE life lessons EVER! I won't bore you with all the details of...um...let's see...the 2009 year of my life, but I will tell you that as hard and difficult as it was-my God has never been more REAL or FAITHFUL! (For this, I am evermore grateful for his MERCY and GRACE!)

In short, I have learned to unconditionally love more of others and less of myself but yet have learned to love myself as others do too. I have learned that I matter to this universe and that I was created perfectly with all of my flaws! Psalms 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. I have learned that I am a sinner and always will be no matter how many times I go to church, read my Bible or pray. My expectations do not come from myself or others but lies that I have believed and been taught along this life; regrettably some from even the "church." I have been reminded and hope to remind any of you of Psalms 62:5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. Another thing I have learned is that I do not have to please anyone or everyone for that matter and that I will never be able to even please myself. Only my Creator can fulfill my every longing, desire and need. Psalms 107:9 For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Matthew 6:31b What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

I have learned that I have not quit--I have only taken the rocky road to learn to love, trust, and know God on a much more intimate level. I have been personally Creator-Educated! At times, I let down my "Professor in Life" and I have made choices that crushed Him but it is He that knew my heart, knew my struggles and loved me thru all the falls. I would have quit--it was hard--I'm not going to lie; but He wouldn't leave me nor forsake me. He wouldn't let me go. He taught me to stare exasperation in the face, JUMP up and kick back even harder by trusting Him and ONLY Him. Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

If I had a pencil during these tests of 2009, I would have "erased" my answers/choices yet He reminded me the ONLY one who could "correct" or "take away" any of those blunders/mistakes was He Himself. After all, He made me perfectly with my flaws and brought to my remembrance that if I was perfect and whole I would have no need for Him! Mark 2:17b When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

So, here we go 2010 and the scholarly spiritual lessons we will journey upon. I have not quit--I'm just JUMPING and kicking harder than ever!

Perplexed Puzzling Perspective

As I see my friend diligently working on putting together a puzzle, I become perplexed. I am watching her "be there w/us" yet doing her own thing....faithfully, consistently and quite studiously. When we are together you can find her there 90% of the time over sitting at that table alone just working away at it...occasionally someone stops by her "work area" and observes, from time to time some may even contribute to the "puzzling piecing." I, on the other hand, won't go near the area. I'm not intimidated by the zany mix-match pieces yet there is something that does puzzle me about the scenario. I keep thinking about it. I want to kick over the table. I want to mess it up, yet I want to go and get it together so it's done.

Inside I chuckle for the way I feel and then I talk it over with a sweet friend. I explain that "it's bothering me that this puzzle is being done" and I express my weird emotions that are stirring up within me. I am fully convinced that I am observing this "project" for God's own good and can't quite place why. My sweet friend (did i also mention she's quite quippy?) deplores that "the puzzle has nothing to do with you, it's a yearly tradition but go ahead and think what I want." Knowing me quite well....I will for I am fully convinced there is "something there."

A few days later, I'm chatting with another "blessed gift of friendship" and I ask her if she wants to hear something "silly about the puzzle." She sits silently for a moment and then responds "Yes. Yes I do because I have to tell you about my experience and thoughts on how the puzzle is affecting me." We laugh about our stories and it turns out after all, "THERE IS something about the puzzle!" LOL.

This is what I think is going on for me w/God. As I watch my friend put together this "art" I picture her as God putting all the pieces together slowly, effortlessly, faithfully and diligently in my life (the work of art). Me on the other hand wants to give up and destroy His work (just like my feelings about the puzzle). I also want to "hurry and get it done so I can see the completed work (hmmm....just like the feelings I have as I go thru situations--I want them over asap!). I tend to want to quit and I tend to want to rush.

Watching my friend labor at this task has reminded me that it's all in my perspective. I can sit back and enjoy the tranquility and peace that comes from knowing that "the puzzle will get pieced together" just as "God's Will will be done in my life" or I can kick and scream and cause unrest within myself as the "piecing and putting-together-process" takes place. Either way, both "works of art" will get completed! I just need to change my perplexed puzzling perspective and enjoy the process! :-)

The "Monkeys on Our Backs"

Funny, but nevertheless true-this morning upon letting my lil' puppy back in from outside, he was running around the house with his lil' comfy coat on to keep warm. I began to attempt to be still and pray. I cried out to the Lord for Him to do things that only He can do. I started with my head held high looking to The Author and Finisher of Faith and pleading with Him to do a work in my life. As I continued in prayer, my head fell down almost completely between my knees, begging and praying for the Lord to just "show me what to do." As I closed out the prayer, I lifted my head and went to grab my cup of coffee and this is what I saw:
In case you need an interpreter for this photo, that's our puppy, Jitter-bug, with a "monkey on his back!" No joke, he really came inside and started to play while I was praying, and somehow the velcro of the monkey and the velcro of his lil' coat connected. I burst into laughter at first, thinking how cute and took a photo. Then it hit me, my dog has a "monkey on his back," what "monkeys on my back" am I carrying around that just "kinda adhere and stick to me?" As I think more about this, I think of leeches and bloodsuckers-at first not realizing they are there and then panicking (well I would!) that they are "stuck" to me.
So often in life, we don't even know it but "strongholds" start to stick to us--like "burs" and "thistles". They slowly creep there way in and before you know it, we are overtaken with it. It never just "BOOM!"-happens----it's always a little at a time, so subtly.
I took some time to ponder, what "monkeys were on my back" today that have adhered to me. The good news is that Jesus has told me and all of us whose eyes have been opened, 1 Peter 5:7 "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."

Shew! Fly Don't Bother Me....

A sweet friend of mine had her house "overtaken" by "FRUIT FLIES!" She said she tried everything to get rid of them-bleach, aerosols, you name it--she tried it. While chatting on-line w/her one evening (morning- uh hmm.) she exclaimed "A fruit fly just flew in my eye!" I remember bursting into laughter and began googling how to rid fruit flies so as to help her resolve her pesty problem. We chatted about how to get rid of them and then soon after I went on about my daily routine forgetting all about her new pets (no i didn't misspell pests--they had really taken over and became the house pets! LOL :-P).

As the story goes, I kept thinking about these fruit flies and began to wonder how do they even come about? I knew I had to get back onto google and learn more. I began researching the life of a fruit fly and it began to become a spiritual reality to me. Read on:

Fruit Flies begin their journey by attacking decaying organic matter and by surviving in decomposing fruit. They attack the fruit, infect it with bacterias causing further rotting and contamination. A fruit fly lays its eggs in the decaying fruit and within 30 HOURS (not days-HOURS) the larvae emerge. A female can lay up to 400-500 eggs at one time! Once the larvae emerge, they feed for six days on the fermented surface. They then turn into adult fruit flies and begin reproducing within 2 days repeating the aforesaid procedure. This means that one little fruit fly lays 400-500 eggs and then those little eggs become adults within 8 days and multiply again laying 400-500 eggs and then those 800-1000 little eggs- turned-flies continue laying more eggs and then those flies, in turn, lay more eggs and so on and so on; hence the home is overtaken by the infestation of fruit flies. "Once these little pests settle in, these uninvited guests know how to overstay their welcome!" They then begin to seek out tiny spaces and cracks which then harbor 1000's of larvae. The infestation cannot be eliminated without eliminating the source. The BEST way to avoid these pesty problems is to "eliminate the source of attraction."

So, I read all these articles about the scientific research of this bug and then it hits me--These pesty critters are just like "THOUGHTS!" Our mind, left unguarded and unprotected, allow one little thought to creep into it and within minutes, then hours, and days that single thought has the potential to mass-reproduce itself in our heads! In turn, the one thought becomes a race track of intertwining destruction. Again, once these "little pests" settle in, they overstay their welcome as well! The fleeting thoughts now are zooming one way and another finding all the cracks and crevices that they can destroy and harbor themselves in similar to the 1000's of larvae. The innocent thought of "I am not attractive enough...good enough...skinny enough...fat enough.....Godly enough...strong enough...smart enough....rich enough...successful enough" (fill in whatever your vice is) begins to attack on every area of our lives. OR it could be the fleeting innocent thought of the attractive person you just saw/met/used to date/yearn for which then begins to attack every area of your mind. We allow ourselves to be overtaken and defeated by these vicious, mental, unseen attacks. Hence, our fruit becomes infested and begins to decompose.

The infestation cannot be eliminated without eliminating the source. The BEST way to avoid these pesty problems is to "eliminate the source of attraction." The good news is that there are ways to be freed from these attacks. We first must eliminate the source for James 1:14-15 states the following: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. This tells us that these fleeting moments of temptations, whether they be physical or mental bring forth sin. Find the source that is tempting you and turn from it. Matthew 18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. 2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. Scripture there just told us to humble ourselves, pray, call on His (Jesus Christ's) name and turn from our wicked ways so that He can heal our land. The verse prior to that tells us to remove the offending part of our body and the following verse tells us how our mind ought to think: 2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And then lastly, in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. This means, to ward off the infestation of THOUGHTS that come into our minds causing fruit to decay, we must think in the aforesaid order. Every time a thought comes to visit your mind, before we decide to entertain it and allow the uninvited guest to stay, let's run it through the checklist that God gave us and see if it's even ALLOWED permission to have a second of our time for us to even ponder.

The song from 1869 goes like this "Shew! Fly Don't Bother Me. Shew! Fly Don't Bother Me. Shew! Fly Don't Bother Me... I belong to Company G!" Well, I belong to "Company G!" as well, I belong to God, and I won't allow flies to bother me or overtake my home or mind.

Psalms 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
Proverbs 12:5 The thoughts of the righteous are right: but the counsels of the wicked are deceit.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

Psalms 119:113 I hate vain thoughts: but thy law do I love.

My Little Sheep

One of the greatest lessons I have been taught by Pastor Grace is that "a person's perception is their reality." In order to understand what trust may mean to some, we would have to understand what their perception of the word's definition may be. Trust- How would you define it? To some they may define trust as the "ability to tell someone anything and know that it would be kept in strict confidence." To others it may be "to fully rely and depend on another." While the on-line dictionary defines it as "a firm belief in the integrity, ability, effectiveness, or genuineness of someone or something."

As the Lord has enabled me to journey thru this study, He has shown me that not only does He want me to Trust in Him but He entrusts in me. This idea blows my mind. How could a Perfect God trust in me, a human full of vile and wickedness? And if this thought is true, how exactly does He trust in me? The answer became clear on Tuesday as I reflected on this ridiculous idea. Enjoy the blurb--

Monday 5 pm-done for work for the day and I have tomorrow off to do anything or nothing at all. Then suddenly I lose my mind and decide to have a slumber party for ALL my nieces and nephews! If you don't know, I am the oldest girl of seven children which equals A LOT of nieces and nephews! Praise the Lord He is much wiser than my crazy head and prevented this from actually occurring! (Gotta love His Sovereignty!) My oldest nephew (Donovan) was already out for the night being summer and all. Two of my lil darling nieces, Azaylea (my very special girl!) and Adeana (the best little behaved girl ever), had returned home to their mom for visitation. Vincent, Aryianna and Jayden were already exhausted from the days events. So, I ended up with Xavion (who goes by the name "Zippy"), Sierrah Rain (who goes by "C-C") and Selena Raven (who is called "Lena") along with my little two rascals (Arielle and Cody J). Well, we ordered pizza and chicken wings, filled the fridge with soda, stocked up on M&M's and ice cream sandwiches and unpacked the game cubes, nintendo ds's, makeover party computer game, game boys, mp3's, ipods and only the Lord knows what other electronic devices these kids have today and decided to go for a walk!!! (I love that part--all that and we got right back to the basics of just simply enjoying one another!) It was great! We just walked and talked and giggled and ran and I just enjoyed each of their individual personalities that God created them to be!

Morning came and I shooed them all of to get dressed, eat and tidy up. As their little eyes glistened with anticipation one after another tried to guess what we would be doing and where we would be going! Boy, did they have big plans from Darien Lake to Niagra Falls, from Seabreeze to the Zoo--I was going to terribly disappoint these little children by just taking them to Hamlin Beach on a boring little picnic!

As we pulled into the park I heard the groans of dismay. And then I pulled up to a grassy patch and unloaded them. As we neared the woods, my children shouted w/glee that we were going to attempt another nature trail (more on how funny these can actually be on another post!) and my nieces and nephews stared blankly at me as if they had no idea what they were in for. I explained we were going on a hike and they still stared blankly as they expressed they had never done such a thing.

As we walked thru the winding trails without any maps (the map bin was empty!) we had to just vote on whether we would go left or right. They discovered moss on the ground and dead trees and fungi. They heard birds chirping and saw paw prints. They saw silent streams and muddy marshes. They saw beautiful Lake Ontario and the "flat rock" peninsula that was made to preserve the nature trails. They loved stopping at the scenic overlooks and random benches that were placed sporadically along the paths. And then the little sheep's eyes opened.

One stated that he wondered how all this stuff got here. Another piped in, "Who do you think made it all?" SILENCE!!! My kids stared at me--fully aware of the opportunity that had just been entrusted to us. And I swallowed and said, "God." Then it happened. "Whose God?," the little voice asked. My kids ogled me knowing that I would get in trouble from my family if I went too deep on the subject. And I explained He was the Creator. "Oh yeah, what did He create?" became the next question. "Ummmm..... the stars and the moon, the heavens and the earth, every living thing that ever existed," I replied. "Hmmm, Aunt Neena, how'd He do that?" began the next question. Followed by more silence. "Well, He spoke it into existence. He said let there be..... and there was. Isn't that awesome?" became my reply. "So is God a man?" another little voice asked. "Ummm....well He is God and He did become a man so that we could be forgiven of our sins, if that helps answer your question." More silence and walking occurred and then it was over--"Well, I really like all the different houses God makes!" And my kids and I burst into laughter and yet were sad at the same time.

My little sheep that God trusts me with. He has given me so many nieces and nephews so that I may glorify Him thru sharing time and creation with them. What an awesome responsibility. What an honor--to be used to for His glory. Pray for these little sheep who don't know Him. Pray that they will continue to adore their "favorite Aunt Neena" and see Jesus thru me. If trust means "the firm belief in the integrity of someone" and God has entrusted them to me, I will need all of your prayers.

Just an update....

To attempt to do a study in trusting God, one must fully prepare themself to go thru the fire via experiences instead of just trying to read books about it. One must also be willing to truly hang on to those teachable moment and cling to the Promises of the Word. One must believe in longsufferring and learn the art of patience. These are briefly some of the things I have learned while venturing out on the journey of learning to Trust God. This study has consumed me--So much that it has become my lifestyle and my way of life instead of a brief study. The posts have been few and far between but the lessons of trust are truly abundant.

It's been a long time...

Wow. It really has been a long time since I have blogged. I must tell you that it's not because my readers haven't harassed me enough. I can also tell you that it is not because God stopped speaking to me. It's just the opposite. I have been poked, prodded and pressured to write and have not been able to put into words all that I wish I could. Furthermore, God has spoken more to me and more clearly than ever before! I am in a transition. A great change and a period of fully trusting in Him.

Without going into all the details that bring us up to date (many of you know how the Lord has brought me to this point anyhow), I started this blog and studying trusting in God. I need to tell you, when you set out to do something as such--God does not just allow you to use books and His Word. He orchestrates God-perfect experiences in His perfect timing to teach all that you ask of Him.

With all that said, I do continue to do my studies and am learning more closely how to trust and abide in Him. I plan to compile a great post for you regarding all of this, but again, we must wait til the lesson is fully finished before I am willing to share. Anyhow, I thought I would put a little blurb out here saying thanks for your support, inquiries and continued checking for a post. This may not be what you are looking for--but at least it is something different-since November! LOL. :-)

Trust and Obey for there is no other way......

To be one of them...

This will be quite a different type of post than you are used to. Nonetheless, I hope we all learn something from it. I pray that it doesn't disappoint you but encourages you to look deeper inside of who you are and ask yourself if you were "To be one of them..." I must admit, at times I fall short and allow myself "to be one of them."

I am currently in the book of Job. This, FYI, is my absolute favorite book of the Bible but one of the most painful for me to read. Painful, eh? Yes. I embrace what it must have felt like to be a man of such gain and a man of such loss...yet a perfect man stablished and strengthened by his faith in Him. To be like Job would be to have experienced love and to have it completely stripped from you; to have a partner that outright does NOT support you in the least, to experience riches to rags; and to experience trust in relationships turn to betrayal and persecution by those you call your friends. Wow--if that's not enough to torment one, throw in some vanity issues of being covered in "boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." So, yes, I say painful. Eh?

There is so much in this book to learn when talking about trust and faith, yet that is not the angle I am writing from today. Instead I want to talk to you about Job's friends and how we should all take heed that we would not be referred as "To be one of them." Let me explain. I was reading the Bible and began searching what type of friends Job had. I believe they had good intentions to support him and to console him. Scripture says, "they wept...rent their mantles...sprinkled dust upon their heads...sat w/him 7 days and 7 nights and none spake a word.... (Job 2:11-13) Great friends to come and mourn and comfort him!!!

Later on we read that his friends can no longer withhold themselves from speaking (4:2) and Eliphaz begins by asking Job, "Who ever perished, being innocent? or where were the righteous cut off?" Eliphaz, continues on, "...they that plow iniquity and sow wickedness, reap the same." What a friend. This is his way of using the biblical principle of sowing vs. reaping to explain to his friend why he is in this situation. Basically, Eliphaz is telling Job--you earned this torture, you must have done some act(s) or deed(s) to bring about these consequences. Wow, I say to you, wouldn't you like to have this friend--the one who tells you it's all your fault. Or how about worse yet, what if you were this type of friend you would fall into the category "To be one of them." Ouch!

Then comes his other buddy, Bildad, who thinks Job is a hypocrite. After Job just gets done answering the attack of Eliphaz, Bildad the buddy comes along and disregards anything that Job has just defended. Bildad says, "How long wilt thou speak these things? and how long shall the words of thy mouth be like a strong wind?" I imagine this as your friend sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for you to pause so that they can jump in and get their point across totally blocking out anything you have just said. My interpretation would be, "when will you stop blowing smoke? Just stop pretending and get to the bottom of this so we can get on w/our lives." Again I ask you, would you like to have this buddy? or could we count you "to be one of them?"

Job again, the upright man he is, defends his position and relationship w/God and mankind. He even gets to the point where, I believe he is getting fed up w/his friends. (Job 10:20) He says, "...cease then and let me alone, that I may take comfort a little."

Enters Zophar, the friend who not only thinks Job is a hypocrite (like Buddy Bildad) but he thinks he is also a Liar! He is all over Job's case asking him, "should thy lies make men hold their peace?" He continues trying to persuade Job "if iniquity be in thine hand, put it far away..."
I ask myself and you, do you feel this way toward your friends? Worse yet, do you allow your feelings to come to fruition and make your friend know you feel this way? To our shame we would be labeled "To be one of them."

These three amigos turn into three stooges the deeper we get into the book! They just continue to press Job and try him with other tactics, proverbs and accusations. All the while, Job continues to answer and express his undying affection and faith in God.

I say all this because we do always think that we as friends need to have something to say to the other as they are experiencing a trial. We need to take heed that all that God does and allows is for our ultimate good!

• "For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for His sake" (Phil. 1:29)
• "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him..." (Job 13:15)
• "He knoweth the way that I take:when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)
• "Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to Him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator" (1 Peter 4:19)
• "My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9)
• 1 Peter 5:6-11

My prayer is that I would not be counted "To be one of them". It is not my desire to discourage any of my sisters or brothers in the Lord. I would pray that this would cause each of us to look more closely as to how we "judge" others and "help" them thru their trials. "To be one of them" (a friend like the one's Job had) is not my/our goal. Instead, we should continue to remind ourselves, "There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus...no not one...no not one!" and point our friends to the Cross!!!!

"A BIG lesson from a lil' critter"

As you know, I thrive on overanalyzing everything. Therefore, whenever I am around and hear or see something I try to find some of “God” in all things. I mean, after all, He is the Creator of all things and He is the Omniscient, Omnipresent Holy One. So shouldn’t we take the things of this world and use them to talk about things of God?
It should come as no surprise that this story will be another one of those “God moments!”

I accepted an invitation to dinner at a friend’s house. The story that was shared that night at dinner was that while out in the garage a noise was heard. When my friend looked around, two little beady eyes were staring straight in his face. (I imagine this as two beasts facing each other eye ball to eye ball!) My friend warned the lil critter, what he was about to do. He issued a warning that went something like this: “Muskrat (Ummm we’ll talk about my friend’s lack of animal identification knowledge later), we can do this the easy way (STOMPS to attempt to make the animal flinch and flee) or the hard way (as he grabs an axe handle…just the handle). In his own words, “He gave it space to repent and it repented not.” So… when the “muskrat” (later correctly identified by mua as an opossum!), chose not to flee for his life--my friend grabbed an empty garbage can in one hand, armed w/the axe handle in the other—and whacked the rodent into the can. Tada! Problem solved. He placed the can outside of the garage and now he had earned bragging rights to the story and a “critter in the can” to prove its validity. Hence, this became the beginning of our dinner conversation.

After dinner, we went out to look at the “critter in the can” and I properly identified it as an opossum. (Did I mention that I was the one to do this already? LOL) To my surprise, it was just laying there. It wasn’t playing dead…it just stared up at us. It didn’t even try to escape…no clawing its way out of the pit that it was put in. It just laid there waiting to be freed by the one who put him there. The next day, the family decided it was time to let the opossum free. When they did so, the opossum (not a very smart animal I have realized) stood there. Now, I don’t know about you, but I would think it would run like the wind! Not so! It stood there—looked at its captor and then finally sauntered away—almost like it was asking, “Really? I should go?” Eventually it took off and went on its way. The next day, I saw an opossum dead at the end of our street. Wonder if it was the same opossum? Funny, it didn’t want to be freed…then once it was it didn’t know what to do or where to go.

So, I saw the dead opossum the next day and then began to seriously ponder the spiritual application. I mean why else would I have to see a dead opossum the very next day if it wasn’t meant for me to think more about? I have already described mostly what I had thought but isn’t this animal a lot like us? Creatures that don’t live in the water (Opossums….muskrats live near or in it) find themselves in trouble---When we as Christian’s stay away from the Word (Living Water)—we too find ourselves scrambling around making noise and being up to no good. Along comes our way to escape and we stare it right in the face—like we dare it! As if we are actually strong or smart enough to overcome our temptations and weaknesses on our own by looking directly in the face of them eye to eye. Suddenly, we become trapped and are laying there helpless until we can be set free. We become comfortable “critters in the can” and some of us lay around almost dead and helpless waiting to be rescued while others try to scratch and claw our ways out of the pit.

I googled information about this rodent and found that opposums are usually nomadic, staying in one area as long as food and water are easily available. Though they will temporarily occupy abandoned burrows, they do not dig or put much effort into building their own. They favor dark, secure areas, below ground or above. Interesting that they prefer darkness and the easy way to survive...without any real effort--so unlike the Christian life where we should avoid darkness and understand that our walk will be a difficult yet an eternally rewarding one.

Again parrellelling the opossum, when Our Savior frees us from the bondage we chose to get involved in, we stare blankly as if we don’t want to be freed. We pause. Stare blankly. And ask, “Really, I should go?” Some of us do flee from the things that hold us captive. Some of us return to them because it’s a familiar place for us to stay. Others try to run and don’t look the right direction and end up like the opossum at the end of my street.

So as I started to conclude this I began to wonder why not a "muskrat?" So, Miss Overanalyzer that I am, I googled them up too. Guess what their nickname is? "Water rats" because they dwell in the water. I think we could learn a thing or two here as well.

Huh? Who knew I could learn so much from rodents? Oh wait—God knew! Amen?

"SO MUCH....YET SO LITTLE"

Yesterday, I became more aware of how I am blessed beyond all measure and have “So Much...” As I pondered this at the night’s end and replayed the day’s events, I increasingly became sensitive to the fact that I have “So Much….Yet So Little.” Read on and you will see how the Lord touched my heart yesterday. May my mind and covetousness be changed thru the experience of “my yesterday”.

I traveled to a town quite a ways from home. As I took this road trip, I thought of how strange life is. We spend our lives trying so hard to figure out what life is truly all about. Some find Jesus and live life “more abundantly” thru the Hope of Salvation thru Him. Some struggle with many forms of “temporary satisfaction” as they hungrily seek for fulfillment—maybe its sex, drugs, alcohol, money, work…the list goes on. Some even believe that “he who has the most toys wins!”

As I journeyed away from home and went to my destination, I pulled into a trailer park. Now, I have nothing against this form of dwellings and I definitely do not discriminate or pre judge those that abide here.

As I pulled up to the trailer, I became nervous. My stomach did little flips as I saw the women gathered in a circle sitting in fold-up chairs awaiting my arrival. I stepped out of the van, wearing my work clothes and approached the ladies. One was dressed in dingy corduroy pants—later she explained that there were “meat chunks” on them because she wraps meat for a living—a T-shirt that had a grey hue to it and sneakers that were an off-brand. The children that were with her had pants on them that were about two inches too short for them and none of them were wearing socks…later she explained there weren’t any clean. The kitchen sink overflowed with dishes—and when I had used the bathroom she explained that they were out of toilet paper and were kinda just multi-using baby wipes.

While I drove home and even into the night I couldn’t help but think about the children at the trailer park. They didn’t ask for this life. They didn’t ask to have “used toys” and “hand me down” clothes that don’t fit. They didn’t ask to live in a trailer park and not have a car to go places. These poor children! In my heart, I wept. I felt sad that they had so little. I regretted having “So much.” I contemplated how fortunate I was that this was not the life I had to live. Passing thoughts of sending the children clothes and Christmas presents entered my head. I thought, despite the fact that I am a single mother of two kids we do not have to live this way. We are blessed beyond all measures. I was humbled.

I began to pray for them…everyone I had met and their children. Suddenly my eyes were open. Now, let me tell you what I saw.

As I entered the main drive, I was surrounded by gleeful, little people with great big grins—you know the ones as big as big gets! Their faces shown with joy—it’s as if the moon was casting beams directly onto their precious little faces. The sound of laughter filled the air as they excitedly ran to welcome me. I unrolled my window and they shouted “follow us, we’ll show you the way” and then some hopped onto bikes and others ran ahead of my van—and they caravanned me all the way to my expected location. As I sat around waiting and observing all the activity that surrounded me. I was welcomed and invited into this group for whoever I was. They sat and chatted with me like they had known me forever—as if I were one of their closest friends. I watched as all the children played with one another like they were all family. They stuck up for each other when “outside kids” tried to enter the territory and they had compassion on one another if one fell or got injured. I giggled watching some of the “messy-faced lil’ children” ramble around carrying their big ol’ bag of potato chips as they stumbled down the stairs following the big kids. I enjoyed seeing the “big kids” tend to the “lil messy faced children” as if they were their own! The love, care taking and protection that I witnessed were remarkable.

My heart smiled. Then it dawned on me. These children may have less “stuff” than I do—but they had so much love! I have “So Much…yet So Little!” My pastor said, “Everything we own, Owns us!” How true and how real this statement has become after journeying away for a couple hours into a different place.

My prayer is that I would be more thankful. My prayer is that I would love more and laugh often. My prayer is that I could teach my children to appreciate each other and people more than “stuff.” My prayer is that I will learn to enjoy love as much as God intends us to. He who has the most toys…definitely does not win!

Seasoned Seized-One

Let me start by sharing my love for the word "season." Some time ago, a sweet friend of mine in the church shared the significance of this word in her life w/me and explained how God repeatedly has used this word to talk w/her. Since hearing this, the word has become special to my heart and I have adopted this word into my life as a hope and understanding of the realization of the ever changing "seasons" of relationships, life and spiritual growth.

So the word "seasoned" is not exactly defined as that...but when I said it aloud--I knew I was being spoken to. Here's the story:

I purchased a pampered chef bar pan. (This is another fancy and pricey way of saying a stoneware cookie sheet w/edges.) I decided to make brownies in this "magnificent stone" that proclaimed it "cooked evenly and would make you want to get rid of all your other cookware." So...I mix up the batch of brownies, read the directions for the "bar pan." No problem...it reads "may have to shorten the cooking time but be sure to check for doneness and use oil/high fat for the 1st usage." Simple as that :-) I cooked up the brownies as the aroma lingered thru-out the house. I checked the doneness after 10-12 minutes (recipe called for 15-20) and out comes a clean toothpick. Tada! Perfect. I remove them from the oven and set them on the cooling rack. A short time passes and I go back to equally divide and cut these great smelling, tantalizing, tempting indulgences. Ummm....I'll have to get a different knife. Ummm....how about the pizza cutter...No... Ummm....why can't I cut thru these?

I pick up the phone (this should be of no surprise! lol) and call one of my absolute favorite women--who owns some of these stoneware pieces. I explain the situation and inquire as to "what could I have possible done wrong?" I also remind her that "I can't even get these brownies off of the pan to clean the stone!!!" (Lots of laughter follows this comment.)
Meanwhile, I chisel. I scrape and finally pieces fly across the room like hockey pucks flying thru the air-- (at this point, my friend is in total hysterics and now her family is chiding in alongside her). She finally says--"Just soak them in water and then they will loosen up. " Then she asked, "Is the pan seasoned?"

Me: Gulp.--I oiled it, I replied.

Her: Yeah, but did you season it? Is this your first time using it? Have you used it before and allowed it to get seasoned?

Me: Ummm...nope--but I oiled it. A lot.

Her: Well, you might not have much luck w/brownies in it. Try chicken or bacon or something like that. Or how about calling the pampered chef consultant?

We: Giggle and chuckle--then her husband chimes in--"Tell Christina I can teach her how to bake!"

Me: Absolute embarrassment.

~~Later on~~
The eldest daughter of the friend above says, "Bet you'll find something for your blog out of this one. LOL!!"

.......And so I accepted the challenge. After prayerful consideration--here it is:

With these stone pans, one must "season" them to prepare them for the best possible usage. This means you must cook a lot of greasy, fatty stuff in them repeatedly at high temperatures until they get "discolored" and leave these nasty-looking marks on them. These marks actually make the stoneware nice and smooth becoming non-stick and hence finally become the perfect pan you have always wanted in your kitchen.

SPIRITUAL APPLICATION:
Like the stoneware, we want to be used as the perfect pan. Who doesn't want to be as II Timothy 2:21 states~ "...a vessel meet for the masters use..."? Only one problem w/this desire. We as humans want so badly to be involved in His work and to be put to usage immediately but we haven't been properly "seasoned." We try to forge ahead and get discouraged that we aren't ready to do "these great things" of God w/out first being prepared by repeatedly going thru the fire doing the greasy, fatty things that are required. We have to go thru some things that will "discolor" us, stain and leave nasty marks on us. This is to prepare and perfect us--not to harm us!! Only after we are completely seasoned will we be "...vessels...meet for the Master's use..."

Now that you understand and hopefully grasped the "seasoned" portion of this post, let's discuss being a "seized one." The word "seized" has many definitions:
(A) To grasp mentally w/the mind
(B) To take hold of suddenly
(C) To possess by force or by will
(D) To capture; to take custody
(E) To have an overwhelming effect on
(F) Take as one's own

I believe, as a born-again, Bible believing Christian, I can claim to be a "Seized One" of Christ. I believe (A) I have mentally grasped the true meaning of salvation and (B) have taken ahold of Jesus Christ's eternal gift of his shed blood and now (C) am possessed by Him as a child of the King by His perfect will, (D) taken into His custody eternally w/a captured heart that seeks His face (E) to the point it has consumed and had an overwhelming effect on my life (F) and now He has taken me as "His own."

It is now up to me. Up to me to decide if I will wait to be a "seasoned seized-one" which will wait on the Lord to prepare me to be a vessel meet for His use that will bear precious, sweet smelling, long lasting fruit. OR will I attempt to do things my way--trying to rush and force His hand--which only produces works/fruit that end up in the garbage?

Either way God is omniscient and omnipresent. He will be in both paths. Remember??? Go back to the "unseasoned brownie pan"--only by immersion of the water were the brownies able to be freed. Just like in our lives, only immersion in the "Living Water" (BIBLE) will set us free, allow us to be clean and restored to try again to be a "seasoned seized one."

The way I see it....His will be done....it's just a matter of which route/path we choose to take. We can follow his clear direction obediently from the get-go OR we can go our way (partial obedience) and fail only to have to repeat it again for His will to be done anyway.

I think I'll try His way? and you???

"Hear-her-whine, Heroin Heroine!"

“Hear-her-whine” defined~
1 a : a prolonged high-pitched cry usually expressive of distress or pain b : a sound resembling such a cry2 : a complaint uttered with or as if with a whine
3 : the act of listening to a woman complain, cry and mourn over any situation
4 : “My Story”

“Heroin” defined~
1 a: a strongly physiologically addictive narcotic C21H23NO5 that is made by acetylation of but is more potent than morphine and that is prohibited for medical use in the United States but is used illicitly for its euphoric effects

“Heroine” defined~
1 a : a mythological or legendary woman having the qualities of a hero b : a woman admired and emulated for her achievements and qualities2 a : the principal female character in a literary or dramatic work b : the central female figure in an event or period

What you are about to read is a story. It is a true story. It is part of “My Story.” I do not know how the story ends…I am only just beginning how it started. You must understand the terms that are defined above for true clarification of this tidbit of my life. You must also be aware that this ties into my study of “Trusting God.” Hang on with me for the ride as I cling to My Saviour, who is the designer of this coaster we call life. Here goes:

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. All I know is that “it is and has been” a part of my life. Where exactly did it begin? Heroin in my life.
Well, I thought it all started when I had a boyfriend from the time I was 15 until I was 21. His mother was a heroin addict. She wouldn’t come home for days…sometimes weeks. I would listen to my boyfriend’s frustration over this. He would tell me, ashamedly, that we could drive down to Lyell and see her prostituting herself for money to get the drugs if we wanted to find her. (I promise you I saw her.) He reacted much different than his brother to her addiction. He was an angry, violent, rebellious kind of guy and he just accepted this about his mom. His brother on the other hand, dealt w/it completely different. He just ran around worried about her all the time and constantly told everyone, “Smile! Be Happy! J” That is until one day—he took his life and left behind a note asking his mother to understand that her illness/addiction was so serious that he took his own life because of the pain he was carrying around and the burden she had placed on him. I will never forget the events of that day or any of that part of my life. Today, 16 years later, his mother is still a heroin addict. (Will you pray for them?)

At the ages of 19 thru 23, I worked a job at a paving company where I became friends w/one of the construction guys. I was in awe of this man because of his physical appearance and because of his age. He was about ten years older than me, divorced and had a son who he adored. He became an older brother to me and we would talk at work all of the time about his life. He would always ask me if I drank and did drugs. He would tell me to stay away from “the hard stuff” because it would ruin me and I had so much potential he wanted me to live up to. He told me how his life was ruined. His marriage. His career. His potential. All shot because he became a heroin addict and eventually became a crack addict.

At the age of 30, my high school friend came to church and asked me to help him. He said his wife had an affair on him, she became a drug addict and he needed help w/his kids and his life. He began attending regularly for a while and then his wife started attending as well. They went ahead w/the divorce and she continued to struggle w/her addictions. I opened my home to her for 2-3 weeks to help her sort her life out and so she could come to Jesus and find some hope along w/love. We talked and talked about her habit and how heroin and cocaine became her mixture of choice. She explained to me why—which I couldn’t comprehend (having never tried either drug myself) and I continued to pray for her. Months went by, now years, and she is on her way to recovery after several inpatient and outpatient treatments which will continue for as long as only the Lord knows. (She is doing a methadone clinic type of recovery.) I had lost touch with her for a year now and the other day I was able to speak to her on the phone. Then on Sunday, she came to our new church. Praise God. J I told her I am writing “My story” and I want her to sit along side me and teach me so much more about this addiction. She is looking forward to helping me understand more because there was a day that I understood I had a calling to help her. (Will you pray for her?)

At 31 years old, I went to my parent’s house one night and decided to do “movie night” with them. Typically this consists of some sort of Andy Griffith rerun or some bomb exploding, die hard kinda flick. This night was different. We watched some movie based on Johnny Cash’s life. I had no idea who this man was at the beginning of the movie—other than I remember my two, little, old grandmothers getting all “dolled up” to see him perform when he came to Rochester. By the end of this movie, I began to understand what the media would have me believe was the life and struggle of a Heroin addict. His best friend, companion and later on his wife, June, battled it out alongside him until he finally beat his addiction. Wow--To be June!!!!

I met a guy and began a friendship with him. On our first meeting, he felt compelled to reveal his true inner self to me. He was a recovering heroin addict who was on a different type of medication to reduce the cravings. I watched as he struggled not being able to afford his prescriptions ($600 a month—to stay off of heroin—for a suboxene type of recovery.) Over a period of time, I began to understand much more clearly the battle that these addicts face. They want to be clean but they need some sort of relief. They want to take their meds but they are limited by insurance and income struggles. There are stomach aches, sweats, crazy thoughts and feelings of helplessness—almost a drowning, no-control sort of feeling. I tried to encourage his walk w/the Lord. I cried for him. I cried w/him. I prayed for some sort of comfort. I tried to be “his June.” (Will you keep this guy in your prayers too?)

Then I called up the guy I used to work w/at the paving company and asked him to have lunch with me. We talked about suboxene, we talked about meth, we talked about clonondine (sp?) and other types of recovery. I asked him why he wasn’t helping those like my new friend that struggle w/their addiction? I mean, why me? Why a girl who has never used this drug help all these people w/their struggle that I know nothing first-hand about? I asked him, since he professes Christianity and sobriety, to pray about aiding people. I begged him to begin sharing his story so that my friends could have hope. To do what I do but being able to empathize w/these people—whereas I cannot. He said he would pray about it…that was 8 months ago. I saw his mother two weeks ago at Wal-mart and she said that she would tell him I said hello and that I was still praying for him. This past Sunday at church, his mom came up to me to tell me that he made a phone call to FBBC and wants to get back to being discipled. (Will you pray for him?)

So, I continue all of these one-sided friendships-where I pour my heart into these people that prefer “to be bloodless and numb and orbit the sun” (that’s truly one of their responses). And I bring their pain and agony to the throne. I pray for them. I run to them when they need me. I do not understand this burden in my heart or the compassion that I have within me.

Not over yet.

I am a ladies softball. I am standing on 3rd base. A fellow-sister hollers to me… “Hey, you ever done drugs?” Appalled, I look back at her and say… “Um…we are in the middle of a game…for a church league…and you obnoxiously ask me a question like that—to which you already know the answer.” She says, “Ever do heroin?” I miss the play at third now… turn to her and reply, “No! But, boy can I tell you a ton about it. Why are you asking me this?” At the end of the game, we talk and she tells me that her cousin, who just had a baby, has been using for over 40 days straight! She asks me what can she do to help her, what programs are there, how can her family get thru this, who do they call? I give her over ten phone numbers that her family can contact and tell her “My Story” (to which I still do not understand or know completely). I praise God that maybe all of my life I had gone thru all of this….for such a time like this. (Please keep this family in your prayers. Would you?)

Not done.

So I begin to do this trusting God study and it dawns on me that heroin addicts are so prevalent in my life. I completely freak out and decide that God must be preparing me to trust Him because one of my kids will grow up to be a junkie…a heroin addict! I convince myself that “this is all crazy head” and then reflect back on how many addicts have been in my life—never ever realizing it before. I do not understand the correlation but I do know that I believe in the sovereignty of God and His providence.

I am struggling. Struggling w/a broken heart. I know—pathetic-Give it to God-move on and go forward. If only it was as easy as it sounded. (Anyway that’s another story that will never be published or finished.) So, I decide to go away on vacation w/my children before the summer is over. We go to Allegany State Park where my “real father’s sister” lives in the next town. I figure, I’ll go visit her and let her see my kids while I am so close by. (I have a very minimal relationship w/this side of the family—she is the only one I talk to and have not seen my “real dad” since I was twelve.) It was a nice time. I returned home, ready to get the victory over this stupid heart of mine and called my mother. I had a question for her…something I had never asked her in all my 33 years. I said, “Mom, I am trying to understand me. I have a very important question which will help me. Please don’t add anything or ask any questions, please just say yes or no. Can you do that?” My mother sat silent for a moment and said, “Ok”. The question: “Was my real father a heroin addict?” The answer was “Yes.”

This is all making more sense to me. Some innate feeling inside me ever since I was young has made me try to get “the attention of an addict to love me” or to be their “saving grace.” I have never even known that my father used heroin. I only knew that I always wanted him to love me and he couldn’t or just wouldn’t.

I know this though---I am still right where I began 33 years ago—yet 33 years worth of steps forward.

I tried to call a high school friend on Friday. I dialed the wrong friend’s number but still had dialed a friend and decided to chat anyhow. I told this lady friend of my recent discovery about myself and you know what she said? She said, “You may have thought you dialed the wrong number because you were trying to call someone else, but you dialed the right number cuz God wanted you to talk to me.” I wasn’t sure where she was going w/this…then she said, “Did my daughter or I ever tell you how her father died? He died of complications due to his heroin addiction.”

I wept. I do not know if the Lord is calling me to be a counselor or a friend. I do not know what the Lord is doing…but it is so Him that is doing something throughout my whole entire life. You just read it. I’ve lived it.

I have a quote written in my Bible that I noticed two days ago. It was said by a man w/the last name of Jarvis when he came to FBBC. “The Lord will not call you for anything that He won’t prepare and equip you to complete.”

I look forward to seeing my “Trusting God” continue to develop. I look forward to seeing how the Lord will continue to equip me for this calling (whatever it may be). And I praise Him for preparing me thus far.

And now you have “Heard-her-whine, Heroin Heroine!”